Doctors

A little message for my doctor friends, because in your realm of anatomy and other such nonsense, you seem to have forgotten the very simple things we need from you. They're very simple things, really. So simple, that I am forced to facepalm every time we have to call you because you've forgotten one of these rather vital things.

When you leave messages on our telephony system, we need:

• The name of the patient, preferably with spelling. This is especially nice when the name is unusual in any way.
• The date of birth for the patient.
• The medication. You wouldn't think this would be something that could easily be forgotten, but it's happened.
• The strength of the medication. If you merely say "levothyroxine," I will cry. In our store alone, we have at least ten different strengths. With Vicodin, we will always assume you mean the 5/500 strength, because that is the most common.
• THE DIRECTIONS. If we don't get the directions, how are we supposed to know that ninety tablets are only lasting thirty days?
• The number of tablets/capsules/pills we're giving the patient. You can also just tell us the directions and the days' supply you/the patient wants. We're smart, we can do math. I promise, but we do need at least the number of days you want filled.

Simple, yes? You would think so. It gets even more fun when we enter the world of narcotics. There's a longer list of requirements that sometimes just don't get completed all the way, leading to annoyance for us, irritation for you when we keep calling you, and frustration for the customer who is trying to either fill their bouncing child's Ritalin, or the morphine they need to function on a basic human level.

• Name of patient. This is a common theme.
• The date of the prescription. This is ESSENTIAL. It is also important to have a complete date. 6/28/1 will not cut it. You're missing a one. That missing number could imply it was written a month ago, or a year and a month ago.
• Medication and strength.
• Instructions.
• Diagnosis code. MANY insurance companies will not accept ADD and ADHD medication without one.
• Your DEA number. We have to have that for a Schedule II narcotic. It's required at least by the law of our state.
• A hand-written signature.

I really wish it was as simple as the customer handing us the script, me checking to make sure we have it in stock, then filling it. It isn't.
Another issue I have: When we call you, please don't take three days to call us back. I realize you are busy, however... Having one of your medical assistants calling us is not a particularly difficult thing to ask for, is it? Your patient is the one most inconvenienced by this, not us, so please just call us back.

Last, but not least... When I tell your patient that there is a manufacturer back order on the medication you've prescribed them, and that it won't be in stock again until the end of the month, don't turn around and inform them that it sounds absurd. It then sends the customer back to me with the impression that I'm lying to them just to be an ass. When I say there's a back order and that I cannot get it in for almost a month, it means that there is no possible way for us to order that product, and get it in before the date the website gives me.

I was tempted to give that doctor a call and tell him that he could fill it if he was so convinced I was spouting bullshit.